Power-hungry like the wolf
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday October 17, 2009
Watch out for the lazy antics of the ambitious passive-aggressive, writes Lindan Marx. With that arrogance of a tyrannical leader of a third-world nation, passive-aggressives (or PAs) will glide into the office with poise and purpose. However, their aim is not to roll up their sleeves to get the job done with you but to do what is known as the three D's: Delegate, Dissociate and Deflect responsibility.As soon as their superior requests them to complete a certain project, PAs will hone their best manipulative skills to recruit anyone of use to them. Simply passing these people in the hall will see you harangued into one of the many segmented tasks on the PA's list. At your team meeting, they will sit, like poker-faced newsreaders, while expertly netting several other team members into "helping".Before you know it, you are cancelling dinner with your partner and proofreading copy while at lunch.As everyone is busy toiling away with all calls diverting to voicemail, the PA's stellar performance will come in the form (at the most crucial, labour-intensive moment) of feigning a migraine that will see them urgently taking a cab home (at the company's expense, of course) before it, according to them, "develops into a full-blown brain haemorrhage".The head of the department will inevitably empathise, while feeling comfortable that all will run smoothly due to the co-workers' diligence. However, they will be oblivious to the assiduous dynamics the PA has firmly put in place in the office. Many a voodoo doll will be stuck with pins, along with copious quantities of expletives uttered.Meanwhile the PA is in a cab, talking on their mobile, making hairdressing appointments and checking their Facebook messages, while feeling a sense of entitlement at having "staff" work for them.After a couple of days, the PA will return to work to check on progress, only to find all aspects have gone skew-whiff because of their vague instructions. In full emergency mode €“ and so as to not bring this to the attention of the head of the department €“ they will immediately jump into damage control and start ordering people about.At this stage, all co-workers will stick more pins into their voodoo dolls, while carefully planning the demise of the particular PA.At about this time, the PA will start to show signs of mental corrosion and will quietly disappear into the fire escape. With back firmly pressed against the concrete wall, hyperventilating, they will wish they'd actually had that brain haemorrhage the day before.It is then that most PAs will decide to come clean (sort of) to the head of the department; of course, lacing their language with vitriol towards co-workers. They will bemoan how they have such high standards and that the co-workers (who "insisted on helping") are inept at carrying out the simplest of tasks.Of course, the PA was, at all times during their illness, coaching everyone, with a Bluetooth headpiece firmly in place, while vomiting into the toilet bowl.The head of the department will then comfort the PA, by complimenting his or her ability to keep the project on course.To add insult to injury, the department head will hold a dinner in honour of the PA at an upmarket restaurant.At the serving of dessert, just as the co-workers think nothing could be harder to stomach, the head makes an announcement that becomes the last straw: the PA is promoted.Is there an aspect of office life that makes you laugh, cry or simply drives you crazy? Readers are invited to submit 550-word articles for publication in The Office to theoffice@fairfax.com.au.
© 2009 Sydney Morning Herald
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